I had a couple conversations today with friends/co-workers about life and health really being out of our control. One of our co-workers (Jenny, say a prayer for her) ended up in the hospital having developed a serious case of pneumonia but things have gotten much worse since. She is now in intensive care due to a staff infection in her lungs. Jenny is 34 with a husband and two young children and she keeps telling others that she knows she is not going to get out of there alive. I pray Jenny is wrong. But do any of us really know? Anything could happen. Today it seems to us that she is closer to falling asleep to the world than we are. But do we really know?
I received good health news today about my tests, but the reality is I might not make it past tomorrow. I've come to a place of accepting all these uncertainties because I came to a place of seeing the absurdity of thinking denying them changed the reality one way or another. Some people hear me explain this and respond with something like this: "Well, that's just a scary way to live." All I can think in a moment like that is "Oh really? And the way most people approach life by refusing to deal with their mortality and not being in control leads to a fear free life?" All I have to go on is that I used to live trying to control it all, and all that life produce was fear and frustration and more fear. While today I am experiencing more peace than I ever really thought possible, having accepted the reality that I am a mortal human being that is ultimately unable to control the uncertainty of my days. I continue to find out that most things are opposite of what I had been shaped to believe.
It turns out accepting the things I used to deny and run from (or play religious games with) in an attempt to avoid them at all cost, set in motion the thing I had always longed for. Peace and rest grounded in trust/love. I also know this change in me didn't happen because I decided one day to not fear anymore. It seems these changes come about as we become more and more aware of the presence of Father Son and Spirit being with us and knowing we are safe with them and at home. Whatever may come, we can either face it and remain grounded in the reality they bring and remain at rest and in peace, or we can make a choice between all the other options/illusions and work really hard to find something that does not exist in any of those illusions.