It's been awhile now since much of my thinking has under gone some radical changes. Freedom means something so drastically different to me these days. The only freedom that exists is found in one place...in one act of choice. It's a move from the life of independence back to dependence on Father, Son, and Spirit. But this thing of choice creates a bit of difficulty for us all. It seems we end up dealing with a mixture created by the choices we make and also the choices of others. I've begun to see it as a dance, and we seem to be in a time here in 2008 where this dance seems very dysfunctional. I know I still experience it in my relationships even though they are getting better. The relationship in my life today that seems healthier than all the rest is my relationship with Father, Son and Spirit. And I think I have come to understand why. It's free of expectations...finally. I've come to understand that I am perfectly accepted in this circle. I am at home and everyday feeling safer and more secure. They demand nothing from me nor do I demand anything from them. I have within this relationship what I need and desire. To be loved and to love in return.
Now, onto the other relationships that surround me. Things get much more difficult. Now there is a change in thinking. This is difficult to explain but I used to feel safer with humanity than I did with God even though violence and uncertainty is a part of the dance humanity is caught up in. I at least had convinced myself that I could exercise some control over the world that surrounded me. Most of my choices during those years revolved around self-preservation.
But when it came to God there was this nagging sense inside me that I could not control him and yet unknowingly I tried to. Turns out that is what religion was about. A desperate attempt to control God. I'm not even going to go through the list of practices that were revealed to be control and manipulation because these things have to been seen for ourselves. Through this change I began to see they had never placed any demands on me and yet I had placed many on them. Now how twisted is that?
It also became clear to me that God was giving me the desires of my heart and this again brings me back to this thing of choice. My choices were being made based upon the things that filled my heart. And there was plenty of desires that had moved into that place that indicated a life of unhealthy independence (grabbing for things God had not given) instead of healthy dependence and in turn it had consumed my life. My mind and heart had been co-opted by a world view that had been shaped by the world and a religious system that is closely aligned with the world. As I began to become aware, painfully aware of this, the inevitable train wreck became obvious. To stay on that road of independence began to look rather ominous but it was the road I was familiar with. The choice of jumping from the train looked very scary. I was reminded of this today while listening to Baxter Kruger when he mentioned something on the lines of this. The only thing for us to do when we come to that place is to allow God to put our minds through the meat grinder. That's exactly what I did and it wasn't because I was so bright as to have figured that out on my own. It's because I had been hearing an invitation from the Spirit that had led me to believe there was something wonderful awaiting me if I would choose to walk out in faith and entrust my life back to them. To learn to move back into the place of dependence in Father, Son, and Spirit. Turns out the transition is scary but freedom is awaiting us in that place with them and there is nothing to fear. To remain in the other place keeps freedom just an unrealized hope. Freedom is spoken of but it's really not a reality. At least that is how it was for me.
Our lives and the lives of others are a collection of choices. Most people I have met and the way I used to live seems to indicate most people really don't want this responsibility of choice and yet they live in a way demanding so much from everyone around them. This is what I see today that makes our relationships with others so dysfunctional. It's still a part of most if not all of my relationships to some degree. It creates many adventures void of harmony. The one relationship that is free of expectations from both sides is my relationship with Father Son and Spirit and it feels really good. The hard work of learning a new dance with the others around me continues and yet I am hopeful due to the fact that the other relationship is going through a much needed transformation. A transformation away from fear to trust. Now to just see that happen with all my other relationships. Let us learn to give those around us a break and stop demanding so much out of each other because heaven knows we hate it when others are demanding things out of us. When that happens we might begin to see things fall into place and begin to taste the sweet fruit of harmony that our souls are longing for.