I'm sure it has been somewhat obvious to regular visitors of my blog, that over the past couple weeks my posts have had a bit of agitation and frustration to them. Some things came to light recently that ended up feeling like a 2x4 cross the side of my head. I've been staggering a bit trying to gain my balance ever since. It's taken two weeks but some things seem to have come better into focus today. Part of it has come through a couple conversations and part of it through Wayne's and Brad's conversation today on The God Journey Podcast...COUNT IT ALL JOY.
I'm still left confused, disappointed, saddened, and hurting, but when were we ever promised a life free of all of that? Good luck trying to live avoiding it.
I mentioned several post back that I felt like the past few years have been about gathering all the pieces of myself that had over the years been scattered all around. I had invested in so many things...people, career, pursuit for financial freedom (as if it even exists), acquiring stuff, political ideologies, trying to create a secure existence, etc. etc. etc. Somehow in midst of thinking I had a handle on it all and on what God was up to, it all came crashing down and in that process the illusion I had created was exposed for what it was. That process stripped everything away from me...except one thing....People/relationships.
But even in what remained I came to see that none of the relationships were healthy. Papa suggested that maybe that would be a wonderful place to focus my attention for the rest of my days. So I began that process of change. No longer attempting to change other people but allowing Him to change me regardless of whether anyone else ever moved at all. I have never in my life experienced a 3 year period like the past three years. Even being able to say that, there have been many relational struggles during that time and I have learned much about grace and love and patience and sacrifice and serving others through those experiences. It's all Papa's grace.
In the past two weeks I somehow began to lose sight of that in this most recent struggle and disappointment. This afternoon I'm beginning to feel as if it's coming into better view again and something precious and profound that I learned during the season of my life after reading The Shack is at the center of it.
In the book Papa speaks it to Mack. Since the day I first read it Papa has faithfully and gently been speaking it to me...Kent, you have no idea what I am doing right now. But I am learning to rest in this reality. Whatever He is doing, my freedom and the freedom of the people around me is at the center of it.
Count it all joy.
6 comments:
Kent,
This is so incredibly beautiful. Thank you for sharing more pieces of what you've been going through. I just downloaded today's GJ Podcast. When I saw that it was "Consider It Joy" and read the brief description of dealing with struggles, it was Papa answering a prayer for encouragement.
A lot of us, I believe, in the Great Family are experiencing some type of struggle right now, me included (family stuff).
Thus, in the midst of this, I think it IS a good thing to be able to "see" with Father's over-arching eyes of Love the "greater picture" of what He has already done in and through us (growth).
For I know, as a recovering Perfectionist, I can too easily focus on my failures, kinks and faults, what's "wrong" or not going as I'd "hoped" (edging on the "expectation thing") instead of look to see the successes, fruit and goodness that has happened or is currently going on, OR the possibility that Papa is already doing things "behind the scenes" -- in the Spiritual Realm).
Blessings,
~Amy :)
Kent, I understand what you are saying. I hope to talk with you more about this later...I am so proud of you the accomplishments you have experienced in the past 3 years. I've known you for that long now and I have seen such tremendous growth and freedom come over you.
In this process, journey or whatever we want to label it, there will be times like this. Observe what's happening to you. It's amazing and real. And sometimes there are no words to describe. I hope to see you soon. Take care... Trish not Roger
Trish, I thought that sounded more like you than Roger. We are just a couple months away from the weekend we met you and Roger. I remember it well. You met me during the season where the rugs of a lifetime had jerked out from under me. I was in the land-in-between. Who I had been all my life had been abandoned and I was at the beginning of something new. That night was more than likely the first night (at least in my adult life) of me sitting in a crowd with nothing to say. But that season of disorientation was about to change to a season of sweet reorientation. It's been fun walking with you since that night.
Amy, it's pretty wild all the things we are witnessing happening in people's lives. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Oh brother, how I feel like I relate to this!
Something else came to mind, as I read this: the saying, "You got Me ALL wrong." (spoken by Papa)
I believe it came from a movie (Letters From God??), but how much truth there is in that statement.
I've had Him ALL wrong... ALL this time.
I love this statement:
"No longer attempting to change other people but allowing Him to change me regardless of whether anyone else ever moved at all."
And this:
"Papa suggested that maybe that would be a wonderful place to focus my attention for the rest of my days."
WOW! Do I ever feel Him in those words!! :)
Kent, thank you for sharing the journey. I like reading about all of it and I appreciate you being real.
And thanks for the encouragement and having invited me to be a part of your journey Chad. I'll never forget the email you sent me on the painful first day of your new journey.
I'm just convinced that this is how the life of Christ is suppose to be shared. (not necessarily the internet...but certainly not excluding it either) It gets passed along from one person to another by the telling of our stories/sharing of our lives.
It's about our struggles, our joys in our relationships and so on and how Father is faithful....AND REAL in the midst of it all, when we can feel him and when we can't.
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