"Grace...
whispers of
relentless affection
singing us all
into healing!" WPY
My wife's mom is presently staying with us after some severe health challenges. By the weekend she should be in her new apartment just a few blocks from us so that we can be close to offer her assistance when she needs it. This morning she witnessed a conflict that myself and my 14 year old had as Sammie was getting ready for school. I don't think my mother-in-law was too impressed with how I handled it. Even though it would be for much different reasons then I was left bothered by it. What's funny is I am far more focused on the ways I allowed my emotions to be drawn out in an unhelpful way that left me less gracious and loving in the moment than I desire to be with my children.
Before I left to drop Sammie and her friend off at school I apologized to my wife's mom for the volume that accompanied mine and Sammie's messy engagement....And then two different worlds collided. She began by saying to me "If I had talked to my dad that way he would have killed me." My response went something like this "I hope to God that my daughters never describe their relationship with me that way to anyone." From there, a conversation/dispute about respect and disrespect and power and control and authority transpired. I was painfully aware of the reality that I more than likely wasn't going to be able to say anything that would help her see why I no longer live in a punishment/reward paradigm with my daughters, so I really didn't try. I just respectfully disagreed and told her that fear and threat and control was no longer a part of my life with my daughters...or anyone else for that matter. All she could do was shake her head and say "but Kent....(add in standard religious argument)!!!!"
One of the things that clashed is how we both view respect. She was so upset that Sammie had acted very disrespectfully of me. I was more upset with myself for having acted in a disrespectful way to Sammie. Was Sammie violating me? Sure she was. But me allowing her to pull me from my space of being in control of my behavior led me to violate Sammie also along with violating love and grace. When I think of respect today, I really only concern myself with how I treat others...unattached to how they might be treating me. Respect isn't anything I demand from anyone anymore...and respect is something I always want to give to the other regardless of whether they are able to do the same.
Grace lost out a bit in the moment with myself and Sam this morning. But based on the reality that a foundation of grace and love governs our home these days, Grace still won out. Sammie and I and her friend had a wonderful conversation about these things on our drive to school. Had I still been stuck in a paradigm similar to my mother-in-law who is the surviving wife of a Baptist-preacher along with being the daughter of a "fear based" Baptist preacher who fell asleep to this world before I came into the family, I would have laid a punishment out on Sam for her behavior and I can with certainty tell you the conversation we had on the way to school would not have happened. Grandma is more than likely still troubled by it all. And from where she views all of this, I can understand that. Sammie and I and Emily have moved on...having had our respect for one another take a big step forward and having been touched and hopefully changed a little more by the power of Grace
whispers of
relentless affection
singing us all
into healing!" WPY
My wife's mom is presently staying with us after some severe health challenges. By the weekend she should be in her new apartment just a few blocks from us so that we can be close to offer her assistance when she needs it. This morning she witnessed a conflict that myself and my 14 year old had as Sammie was getting ready for school. I don't think my mother-in-law was too impressed with how I handled it. Even though it would be for much different reasons then I was left bothered by it. What's funny is I am far more focused on the ways I allowed my emotions to be drawn out in an unhelpful way that left me less gracious and loving in the moment than I desire to be with my children.
Before I left to drop Sammie and her friend off at school I apologized to my wife's mom for the volume that accompanied mine and Sammie's messy engagement....And then two different worlds collided. She began by saying to me "If I had talked to my dad that way he would have killed me." My response went something like this "I hope to God that my daughters never describe their relationship with me that way to anyone." From there, a conversation/dispute about respect and disrespect and power and control and authority transpired. I was painfully aware of the reality that I more than likely wasn't going to be able to say anything that would help her see why I no longer live in a punishment/reward paradigm with my daughters, so I really didn't try. I just respectfully disagreed and told her that fear and threat and control was no longer a part of my life with my daughters...or anyone else for that matter. All she could do was shake her head and say "but Kent....(add in standard religious argument)!!!!"
One of the things that clashed is how we both view respect. She was so upset that Sammie had acted very disrespectfully of me. I was more upset with myself for having acted in a disrespectful way to Sammie. Was Sammie violating me? Sure she was. But me allowing her to pull me from my space of being in control of my behavior led me to violate Sammie also along with violating love and grace. When I think of respect today, I really only concern myself with how I treat others...unattached to how they might be treating me. Respect isn't anything I demand from anyone anymore...and respect is something I always want to give to the other regardless of whether they are able to do the same.
Grace lost out a bit in the moment with myself and Sam this morning. But based on the reality that a foundation of grace and love governs our home these days, Grace still won out. Sammie and I and her friend had a wonderful conversation about these things on our drive to school. Had I still been stuck in a paradigm similar to my mother-in-law who is the surviving wife of a Baptist-preacher along with being the daughter of a "fear based" Baptist preacher who fell asleep to this world before I came into the family, I would have laid a punishment out on Sam for her behavior and I can with certainty tell you the conversation we had on the way to school would not have happened. Grandma is more than likely still troubled by it all. And from where she views all of this, I can understand that. Sammie and I and Emily have moved on...having had our respect for one another take a big step forward and having been touched and hopefully changed a little more by the power of Grace
4 comments:
I don't think you're quite ready yet to be Superhero Burgess, unfortunately. And yet this is such freedom:
"Was Sammie violating me? Sure she was. But me allowing her to pull me from my space of being in control of my behavior led me to violate Sammie also along with violating love and grace. When I think of respect today, I really only concern myself with how I treat others...unattached to how they might be treating me."
Awesome, Kent. I can't help thinking too that looking back, when Sammie gets out of her teens and into her twenties and starts being able to really see what her parents have done for her, that she will be freer and easier to see that because of the space and freedom you are creating between things. By your actions you enable sight and repentance in the beautiful free way that comes with freedom in the Father. Coolness.
Sue, when I look at all that has happened over the years...there really isn't anything to boast about. I'm very aware of the space Kent Burgess occupies on his own...IDIOT
But Father Son and Spirit are awesome. Jesus blows me away. His loser status as far as the world defines importance looks like the most brilliant thing I have ever been allowed to look upon.
Kent, this is a great post! I know you're right but I still haven't gotten to the place where I can comfortably give up the reward/punishment method. Not because I don't want to but because I can't figure out how to get it to work in my real world.
Thanks for this post. As always, you've given me much to think about.
I have never read your blog before but had to see it after hearing Wayne and Brad describe this interaction in their podcast. I am so impressed by your thoughts and response to your daughter. You have taught her a much greater lesson in respect than any punishment could have by modeling both grace and respect for her. Thanks for sharing.
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