Saturday, January 16, 2010


What a weird time it feels like. My emotions have been spilling over often. I'm grateful that has only been happening while I am alone. For those who know me well, they won't be surprised by my admission to being someone who cries easily. But the past several days have been such mixed up cries. The emotions behind it all have all converged at the same time. To be overwhelmed to the point of constantly breaking down at the realization of the perfect security in Father's love and embrace, along with feelings of deep longing for something more, added on top of the feeling of being pissed off by the brutality and suffering that my fellow humans can subject other human beings to, added to a deep unfathomable sense of peace and joy, can leave one feeling a bit unsettled and discombobulated while at the same time being left feeling like I am learning to remain at rest in it all. Like I's been a weird time. I guess this is what Richard Rohr calls....Riding on the horns of the human dilemma.

I've been so keenly aware of everything recently and feeling it deep down in my bones. It makes me want to give more. I want to live dangerously in the Love that is setting me free and let it spill out on those around me. I want to live free of the insanity of the systems that define the space I live in and the blinding destructive ideologies that are constantly at war with the life of freedom. I want to join others there and have others join me there. I want to stay on this path of recapturing what has been taken from me....what I had willingly given away due to having bought into the lie. And I know I must continue on along this path whether I do it alone or I have others to do it with. The illusion has been exposed and the ugliness behind the illusion revealed. I spent too long as an accomplice to the ugly and it had made the grip of grace difficult to recognise. But grace has come into view in a way I had never known before, and is redeeming what the ugly had stolen from me, and that has a way of effecting the ugly out there and turning it into something beautiful also....even if for the moment the ugly seems to have more of the momentum on it's side.

Grace still makes beauty out of ugly things.

I know that in the natural it might look like and feel like a storm, but I get the sense that it's actually the kind of chaos that leads to great creativity and the kind of darkness that creates a greater desire for more light. It feels like the kind of moment that the mind breaks a little more free of the royal consciousness and instead find itself caught up in the kind of thinking that reflects a little more of the loving Creator out into the places that are full of people trying to make sense of it all....people with a deep longing for liberation even if they aren't aware that it is liberation they are in need of.


Free Spirit said...

Hey Kent, I haven't been here in while. Just haven't been taken the time I once did to make the blog rounds. I was beginning to put it before family, and so had to take a break.

I still so appreciate your heart and thinking, as it challenges my own. I've been going through some pretty dark days, emotionally. Things I don't feel a freedom to write about yet. In some ways, I think I've also been hiding out from connection with people, seeing as how the only connection I felt was thru this darn computer anyway.

I'm at the point right now of just hoping that "Grace will make beauty out of (my) ugly things (mess)."

Thanks for writing and sharing what Father's showing you!

Kent said...

I'll be hoping for the same for you also

Sue said...

Great post.

"I know that in the natural it might look like and feel like a storm, but I get the sense that it's actually the kind of chaos that leads to great creativity and the kind of darkness that creates a greater desire for more light."

Oh I so often feel this these days, Kent. Some days it's lonely because I'm sure from the outside it looks like I've lost my marbles and my faith, but it just happens too often that God brings me out the other side having dismantled or remantled something in the process :) I love Richard Rohr's description of "riding on the horns of the human dilemma." I think being able to be at rest in it all is an amazing thing. Actually, I tend to find that I can enter into the experience even more fully while being at rest in it. On the outside that actually may make it seem even worse than it would have before ... but it's good. It really is ultimately.

I was thinking before about how I so often dismiss my feelings and cut them off so that I only experience a bit of them. For example, I posted a short story on my blog last night and have been feeling this vague feeling all morning and afternoon of unease. When I really took a look and tuned into it this evening and let myself feel how uneasy and scary it feels to have the draft of something "out there" where eyes are reading it (or not - even worse, haha) I really allowed the fulness of that feeling. Such discomfort. And yet now I've felt it, the feeling has diminished somewhat. The whole feeling level is a really important one for me. I think this life of rest in God plays out like this on all the different levels. It's quite amazing, really.