At some point we all have to come to the realization that it is our responsibility to own up to the personal mess of our lives. My messes, your messes don't belong to anyone else, and to act towards others out of the mess as if they have something to do with it just creates more messes and doesn't help me/or you out at all. It will just serve to keep us stuck in the mess. And maybe sometimes the messes are joint adventure and might need to be addressed together. But being able to see the difference just seems rather important to me.
I often think this is one of those areas where the Christian notion of "Come to Jesus and he will wipe it all away and make you clean and give you a happy life" just doesn't serve anyone well. I don't know about you, but I don't know of any examples of that having happened to anyone I know. I once heard it said by someone that the notion of "Born Again" and how it is presented just didn't work for them, and that they really didn't want to be that clean anyway, but wanted to remain true to the mistakes they had made, so as to make them right if at all possible, and to the messes still present in their lives. I like that honesty and responsibility and willingness to own those parts of ourselves that are still acting out in destructive ways to ourselves and to others. And to be willing to do business with ourselves in a way that will lead to a healthier quality of presence.
There is no giant divine eraser that is going to sweep down from the heavens and wipe clean the blackboard of our lives. There is no abracadabra moment that is going to come upon us and set us all right in an instant and give us the life instantaneously that we desire.
But there is an affectionate loving and accepting patient belonging/presence that is real and that will walk with us as we do the work of owning the responsibility of our own personal spiritual and mental and emotional hygiene. And part of that owning up is paradoxical. Part of it has to do with getting down to some serious business with ourselves, and as equally important is, the act of accepting ourselves and where we are presently at and giving ourselves a break by calling off the personal tormentors that can hound us unceasingly. And it's a good idea to stop opening the doors for them and allowing them in.